Joke/s Of The Day...

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Ken P
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:34 pm

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times!"

Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal."
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:35 pm

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to
lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm ?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:37 pm

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:41 pm

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County


Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.
Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All
restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be Scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.


Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris". I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the >Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.
I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.
If you want the stream restored to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:57 pm

I've never talked about this before, but I really need the boards advice on what could be a crucial decision. I’ve suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs… Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn’t in a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my bike , that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 06, 2008 3:59 pm

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House.

He walked up to the Marine standing guard and said, 'I'd like to go in and
meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day the same man approached the White House and said to the
same Marine 'I'd like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer
president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and walked away.

The third day, the old man approached the same Marine and said 'I'd like
to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a
row that you've been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you every
time that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and that he no longer
resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted the old man, and said, 'See you
tomorrow, sir.'
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Thu Dec 11, 2008 5:04 pm

Interesting Facts



It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6 lb.
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.

Men who read this are still busy looking at their thumbs.


:mrgreen:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:36 pm

this cracked me up lol
concrete.jpg
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Douche Bag Boy » Sat Dec 27, 2008 4:50 pm

I'd hit it.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Eunos R » Thu Jan 08, 2009 12:02 pm

Unfortunately not true, but it’s too funny not to share.

The next time you have a ‘I Hate My Job!!!’ day, (even if you’re retired, you have those sometimes too), TRY THIS!!!:

Rectal thermometerOn your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy, go to the thermometer section, and purchase a ‘Rectal’ thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure to only get this brand!

When you get home, lock the doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone, so you won’t be disturbed. Now, change into your most comfortable clothes, and sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Place it carefully on a table or a flat surface so it will not become scratched, chipped, or broken. (OK, stop giggling and don’t get ahead of me. And you perverts, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Now the fun begins!!!

Take the literature from the box and Read It Very Carefully!! You will notice in very fine, small print the following statement:
‘Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is Personally Tested and then sanitized.’

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: ‘I am SOOOO glad that I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson!’

NOW HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER TOMORROW AT WORK, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO HAS A JOB THAT’S MORE OF A PAIN IN THE REAR THAN YOURS!!!
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Sat Jan 10, 2009 3:22 pm

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:28 pm

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Papa Smurf » Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:57 pm

:jawdrop:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Eunos R » Wed Feb 04, 2009 4:05 pm

Major epic failed !!! I was wondering what the heck he is doing hooking up the hose and run water through the engine for.

Jeff
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby red5racing » Wed Feb 04, 2009 4:43 pm

Post 71 on page 8 reveals why. I didn't get much past that.

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Wed Feb 04, 2009 5:07 pm

Just finished reading through all 25 pages. The poor guy is the world's biggest dumbass and apparently takes everybody's suggestions at face value. You ought to check out the posts about how to change his oil and running the 1/4 in the mid 11s..... at 86 mph. :lol:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Fri Feb 06, 2009 7:23 am

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Eunos R » Fri Feb 06, 2009 10:08 am

Hahaha... high speed ghost riding ?!?

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Ken P » Fri Feb 20, 2009 2:13 pm

How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.

What is love?
The delusion that one woman differs from another.

What is the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job still sucks.

Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists couldn't breed.

Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls.

What's the difference between your bonus and your dick?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.

Why is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What s worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do as she's told.

Why are wives like condoms?
They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?
Why the hell should we fix it? We don't use the damn thing.

What is a wife?
An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

How are women like parking spaces?
The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill.

Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares - what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby ba na » Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:47 pm

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets back from the battered women's clinic?
The god damned dishes if she knows what's good for her.

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

Why didn't Clinton get elected?
Because she's a woman

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What have you done wrong when you wife comes out of the kitchen and starts nagging you?
You've made the chain too long.

Why don't women need drivers licenses?
There is no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Papa Smurf » Wed Mar 18, 2009 9:54 am

wow, so many chauvinist pig jokes. :shock:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:59 am

I think Ken was feeling bitter about something and started the trend.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby ba na » Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:04 pm

Token Girl,

The jokes weren't meant to be especially abrasive or demeaning toward the female gender. I take responsibility for my post and not lay blame on peer pressure or Ken. My post was all in good fun and I apologize if you felt berated in any manner.

On that note:

Men, you may think you have a command of the English language, but when it comes to communicating with women, you may be surprised. Here is our dictionary of Womanese. Master these terms and you'll find your relationship with women greatly improved.

The Real Definition of Words When Used By Women
Yes, communication between men and women can be difficult. That's because words have different meanings for men and for women. Our Womanese dictionary will help men better understand what women mean and save a lot of heart ache.

1. Fine - I am right. This argument is over. You need to shut up.

2. That's Okay - One of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think hard and long before deciding when and how you'll pay for your mistake.

3. Nothing - The calm before the storm. This means "Something" and you better be on your toes. Note: Arguments that start with "Nothing" usually end with "Fine" (See #1).

4. Five Minutes - If getting dress, this means half an hour. (Don't be mad about this. It's the same definition for you when it's your turn to do some chores around the house.

5. Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not question this or faint. Just say, "You're welcome," and let it go.

6. Loud Sigh - Not actually a word but rather a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. It means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is standing here wasting her time arguing with you about "Nothing." (See #3)

7. Go Ahead - This is a dare, not permission. (Don't Do It!)

8. Don't worry about it, I got it - The second most dangerous statement a woman can make. It means that a woman has asked a man several times to do something and is now doing it herself. (This will result in you asking at a later date, "What's wrong?" For the woman's response, see #3.)


Differences Between Man and Women

Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Bathrooms
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments
Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
Women love cats.

Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

Future
A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success
A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.


Why Men Are Happier:

Men can play with toys all their life.

Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.

Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.

Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.

Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.

Men have bellies that usually hide their large hips.

Chocolate is just another snack.

The whole garage belongs to them.

Weddings take care of themselves.

The last name of men never changes.

Everything on a man's face stays its original color.

Men only have to shave their faces and necks.

Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.

Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.

For men, wrinkles add character.

Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.

Men have new shoes that don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.

Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.

Men have one mood all the time.

A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks

Men can open all their own jars.
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howangsNA
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby howangsNA » Fri Mar 20, 2009 11:41 pm

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby the token girl » Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:35 am

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