Too long, don't read.

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Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:29 pm

The following is an account of my morning, very much in the style of Hyperboleandahalf.com, because that website is my new obsession. Except not nearly as good or interesting. I realize this has nothing to do with Miatas. Not even with cars. But it was traumatizing, and I needed to share it.

I woke up this morning in a good enough mood. My axles that I needed to fix my car were sitting in my garage, and I was going to spend the foreseeable future beating the car with a hammer until said axles found their way into position. Great day, right? Except that my day was ruined completely, by a gathering of mutant insects.

I stumbled my way out of bed and over to the shower. Let me get you and my bathroom better acquainted with each other. It’s a standard bathroom in every sense of the term. It has a sink, a mirror, a toilet, a shower, and a small top-of-the-wall privacy window. It also has a light fixture with one of those anti-steam fans in it. Recently however, it has developed an uncanny ability to become disgusting with absolutely no input from me. Seriously, I came home from LA one day, and it had suddenly become gross. The shower floor/tub was dirty, there were doghair bundles congregating in the corners of the room, there was a dead moth in the middle of the floor, and—worst of all—there were two little items that, upon further investigation, turned out to be rat poop. This confused the hell out of me. We had rats in our ceiling, but my bathroom is not a ceiling. While I was in LA, the rodent exterminator and keep-out-er had done his thing in our crawl-space. However, the hatch to get into the ceiling is nowhere near my bathroom. Did he collect rat poop and trudge down the hall to my bathroom to deposit them? Did the rats just gnaw their way through the wall into my bathroom while he was in the ceiling, party in there for a while until he was convinced that he had eliminated them all, then head back upstairs? Who knows.

You may think that at this point, I proceeded to clean up the now disgusting bathroom. You see though, I am both busy and exceedingly lazy, so that option was out. I took my shower, was careful where I stood while drying off, and continued on with my day. This may have happened several times since then. The system generally worked:

1. Enter bathroom
2. Put on look of disgust, and internally scold myself for not finding time to clean up
3. Shower
4. Go be busy and forget about it until the next morning
5. Rinse and repeat (lol, cause it’s a shower…)

Generally worked, that is, until this morning. I opened the door and Step 1’d. A fly flew across my face. “No biggie, it’s a fly, who cares, flies get in houses sometimes.” I Step 2’d. I then opened the shower curtain, and saw another two flies on the inside of the window. “Ok, three flies. Not exactly nice, but still not anything to be really concerned about.” I looked up, and saw another fly, just hanging out on the ceiling. It was big. Not in a sort of “fat” way, just in a big way. Everything about it was substantial. Even its legs. If flies went to gyms, this is the one that does the squats with the 400lb weights across its shoulders, which causes you to mutter to yourself something about steroids. It was also differently colored than most flies I see around here. It wasn’t iridescent and “pretty”, it was black and grey striped, and menacing. It was sort of like a bouncer; it wore dark clothing, it was really buff, it stood in one spot, and its job was to make me uncomfortable. It even wore sunglasses. Well, its eyes were darker than a normal fly’s.

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This is about when I started getting that feeling that something was amiss, but I cast away the thought because I was in a hurry to Step 4 and Step 5. I put one foot into the tub, and glanced at the ceiling around the light fixture, and froze. There were two more normal flies there, and there were three unidentifiable creatures hanging out in a huddle. I honestly considered putting caution to the wind and fleeing the scene, stark naked, to regroup in my room. Were they spiders? Were they ticks? Giant ticks?

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Luckily for everyone else in the house, I waited a few more seconds to examine the Unidentifiable Creatures from where I was. “OK…they are actually flies…but there is something seriously different about them…they…they don’t have wings…” Yes, grouped together in a pre-play huddle were three more massive bouncer flies, completely developed in every other way, except that there were no signs of them ever having wings. One of them must have clapped and yelled “BREAK,” because they all went their separate ways after I spied them. “Nik, this is stupid. They are just flies, and you need to Step 3 before Jess and Joe get here, because you don’t want them to call you and say ‘We’re here!’ and have you be in the shower and miss it, at which point they will leave, they will not help you with your car, and they will probably never be your friends again.” I closed the shower curtain and proceeded to Step 3, all the while keeping an eye on Bouncer Fly.

When you are in the shower, you have time to let your mind wander. Do you do that? I do. I spent my childhood being a nervous, hypocontriactic (I make my own words), conspiracy theorist. When I have time to let my mind wander, these tendencies sometimes return, and return they did. “What could be causing this? Why are they in my bathroom? It’s not THAT gross in here. What kind of fly is Bouncer Fly (who was still staring at me, unmoving)? I’ll bet he’s some sort of African fly of death that is going to kill me when I close my eyes to wash my face. I mean, he doesn’t look like normal flies…he doesn’t act like normal flies…he is way too buff to not be on steroids. Why don’t the other flies have wings? Did they just not develop like they were supposed to? Why not? Is there some chemical that is causing fly mutations, and if so, what is that chemical doing in my house? Am I in contact with said chemical? What is said chemical doing to ME?” I reached the point in my shower that I had to wash my face. I took a deep breath, and shut my eyes. I washed my face rather quickly, and opened my eyes again to take a tally. “Ok…Window Fly is still buzzing around annoyingly, but he’s a normal fly so I don’t care. Bouncer Fly is still…bouncing…there is Wingless Fly 1 and 2…Crap, where is Wingless Fly 3? Not you, Oddly Proportioned Fly with wings, get out of the way. I’m looking for Wingless Fly 3. Yes, he was standing right where you are………………………..wait……………

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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:30 pm

Don’t ask me how, I’m not a damned scientist. I willingly drive cars in circles repeatedly, so joke’s on you if you were expecting a more “evidence” based scientific analysis. All I know is that that fly did not have wings one minute, and now he did. I am certain it’s the same fly, because I am, and you should just trust me on this one. At this point, I was getting pretty freaked out. It didn’t help that Creeper Fly (did I not mention Creeper Fly? He’s the one that was between the fabric outer layer and the clear plastic inner layer of my shower curtain) was about eye level with me, and rubbing his hands together like a geriatric peeping tom. Or maybe he was just rubbing them together in anticipation of the 5’10” feast they were all about to have. Bouncer Fly slicked back his hair (wings) and continued to stare me down. I had a glimmer of hope when I thought, “ok, there is something seriously not right with the shape of that fly…maybe it’s two flies. Maybe a winged fly is mating with Wingless Fly 3, and he did not, in fact, grow wings in 30 seconds.” Yes, I was in a state at this point, that that would have been a “glimmer of hope.” Alas, I noted that there were most definitely only six legs present, and that theory was quickly debunked.

I still had to wash my hair, so I needed to close my eyes again. At this point, I just wanted to get this shower over with as quickly as possible, and attempt to re-join my normal life, so I just bit the bullet and did it. Upon re-opening my eyes, none of them had moved. I was at first relieved, but then: “Hmm, I didn’t notice that little white spot on Oddly Proportioned Fly’s back before…” Well, that’s because it wasn’t there previously. And then it started to grow. Noticeable. Perceptibly. The white spot was ballooning up. I froze again, and stood in horror, eyes fixed on the quickly growing pustule, that I was certain would pop at any moment and spew toxic, flesh-melting acid all over me. (Yes, this thought actually crossed my mind.)

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A bit of me considered using a bottle of hair product to poke at Oddly Proportioned Fly, for science. Thankfully, the overwhelming majority of myself beat that bit to a bleeding, twitching pulp of anguish.

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Did the pearl white pustule ever stop growing? Did it pop? I have no idea, I was not sticking around to find out. I quickly finished rinsing off my hair, gently opened the curtain so as to not upset any of my new friends, put on my towel and left the premises, still soaking wet. Drying off can be done just as effectively in my room. I have not gone back in to my bathroom. I do not want to know. That section of the house is officially closed, as far as I’m concerned. It’s not all bad, really; I’ll have to move to a different shower from now on, but at least that means I don’t have to clean this one. And my shampoo bottle was almost empty, so it’s not even like I’m being wasteful.

Oh, and in case you were wondering about Joe and Jess, they DID arrive while I was in the shower, and they DID call twice, give up, and left. They came back after a while, but the new axles were wrong anyway. That’s not technically the flies’ fault, but I’m going to blame them anyway.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Snake520 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 6:22 pm

ROFL....
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Big Lan » Fri Sep 09, 2011 6:38 pm

That was the most epic thing I've read all day.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby JasonC SBB » Fri Sep 09, 2011 7:22 pm

LOL!

That growing white pustule must be some kind of parasite a la Alien.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Abaddon Volac » Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:37 pm

It engulfed even your arrow? SNEEZUS, THATS A BULGY PUSTULE.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:39 pm

Glad you found my miserable day entertaining XD

I also re-edited it a bit to make it read better, though probably nobody would notice except for me, because I stared at this thing for about two hours.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Snake520 » Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:44 pm

OH LOL, didn't know it was a true story :(

excellent drawings and story. i feel like this story should be posted all over the place
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Fri Sep 09, 2011 8:46 pm

Snake520 wrote:OH LOL, didn't know it was a true story :(

excellent drawings and story. i feel like this story should be posted all over the place


Feel free, my friend. Feel free.

I would post it more places, but I have no more places to put it.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby brkinshiz » Fri Sep 09, 2011 10:26 pm

Christ, and I thought there was gonna be a resolution at the end. THEY KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE MAN
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby mrFanel » Sat Sep 10, 2011 12:05 am

Mah bad Nik, I shouldn't've let Big Bob out... :D
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:38 pm

Holy crap, wow and lol. So you have now decided to forego Step 3ing? I think I'll be avoiding any of the meets you show up to now... :-P

I recently had to deal with a black widow in my bathroom, directly over the shower. I had a hard time with that thing too, mostly because I'm not about to kill it with my bare hands... Lacking any kind of spray or other bug disposal equipment, I used one of these:

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Turn that upside down, spray, and instant shiny, dead, poisonous spidersicle.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:47 pm

I'm not going to forego it, it shall be done in a different bathroom. Well, that was the plan, anyway. Yesterday i walked by the bathroom, and the door was WIDE OPEN. Someone around here OBVIOUSLY didn't read my story, and now I'm not safe anywhere.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Sun Sep 11, 2011 5:51 pm

That fly is about to make you its bitch.

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Be afraid. Be very afraid.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Ken P » Mon Sep 12, 2011 5:41 am

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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Nikwit » Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:26 pm

Well, I spoke to the Pest Control people again. I mentioned that there were a lot of flies, and the woman on the phone said, "are they really big ugly ones?" To which I replied, "O__O." Apparently, those sort of flies come out when there are dead things around. A few choice words she used when explaining them to me were, "Aren't afraid of you." Pest guy came out and found two dead rats in the ceiling, which I can't help but think should have been taken care of LAST time he was here. Oh well.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby brkinshiz » Mon Sep 12, 2011 4:06 pm

"Aren't afraid of you"

0_o



Flies...slightly smaller than Velociraptors
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Ken P » Tue Sep 13, 2011 6:50 am

on the subject of flies, keep in mind that those tiny ones that look like fruit flies live and breed in the slime of your drains. So take the time to clean those out once in a while and you wont have any more fly problems.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby maxh2o » Fri Sep 09, 2016 10:23 am

Bump.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Big Lan » Fri Sep 09, 2016 1:41 pm

I miss these threads.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby brkinshiz » Fri Sep 09, 2016 6:01 pm

Indeed.
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Twibs415 » Fri Sep 09, 2016 8:36 pm

i miss this forum :deadhorse:
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby maxh2o » Fri Sep 09, 2016 11:41 pm

2nd. So what else can we do to move this forum along? I used to check this site daily, and used to post multiple times. Now i check this place maybe twice a week. The other forums I'm on have way more activity despite not having as tight knit of a community, what's wrong here?
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Snake520 » Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:33 am

oh hey, i posted in this thread before. Man, that was a long time ago...
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Re: Too long, don't read.

Postby Big Lan » Sat Sep 10, 2016 7:51 pm

maxh2o wrote:2nd. So what else can we do to move this forum along? I used to check this site daily, and used to post multiple times. Now i check this place maybe twice a week. The other forums I'm on have way more activity despite not having as tight knit of a community, what's wrong here?

Things I've asked myself many times, and still can't really find an answer to...
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