Joke/s Of The Day...

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby SRN DI G SAO » Fri Jul 24, 2009 10:04 am

The Poker Player

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob’s wife, Sandra, wasn’t wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob’s wife followed and asked, “Did you see anything that you like under there?” Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, “Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.’

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sandra told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn’t, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob’s house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sandra the agreed sum of $500 – they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: “Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?”

With a lump in her throat Sandra answered “Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.” Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, “And did he give you $500?”

Sandra, using her best poker face, replied, “Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.”

Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, “He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he’d stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.”
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby SpecX » Thu Aug 06, 2009 12:49 am

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Yeah that's right its the BIG BALLERS BIKE (HARD CORE RIDER)
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Fri Aug 14, 2009 10:48 am

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative, ' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

1...

2...

3...

4...

5

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Big Lan » Fri Dec 25, 2009 1:24 am

Shamelessly stolen from another forum...


So it's the last day of school before break, and the teacher decides to let a few students out early if they can answer a trivia question correctly.

First question: "Who said, 'I have a dream'?"
Little Johnny throws his hand up, "ME ME ME", and the teacher calls on Suzy in the front row.
"MLK Jr!" she yells, and home she goes.

"Who said 'four score and seven years ago'?"
Johnny again, throws that hand sky-high, and again Nancy in the front row gets called.
"Lincoln!" - home she goes.

This goes on for a while, the teacher always calling on the best students in the front of the class, and finally runs out of questions. Little Johnny, of course, hasn't been called.

"OK class, let's get back to work!" says the teacher, and Little Johnny mutters "god, i wish these bitches would just shut up".

The teacher spins around, shouts out "WHO SAID THAT?" and Johnny yells "TIGER WOODS!"
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Savages911 » Fri Dec 25, 2009 3:44 am

big lan dont hate me for this joke!

if the joke is posted up here already my bad. If this joke offends anyone let me know ill take it off.

What's the most confusing day in Oakland? Fathers Day.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Big Lan » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:13 pm

Savages911 wrote:big lan dont hate me for this joke!

Why would I hate you? I'm not from Oakland, and I'm damn sure not a father..lol
What's the most confusing day in Oakland? Fathers Day.

lolz
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Savages911 » Fri Dec 25, 2009 2:51 pm

Big Lan wrote:
Savages911 wrote:big lan dont hate me for this joke!

Why would I hate you? I'm not from Oakland, and I'm damn sure not a father..lol
What's the most confusing day in Oakland? Fathers Day.

lolz


:banana:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby SRN DI G SAO » Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:47 pm

The Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Elko County, Nevada, and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would
prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a
visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it
to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as
she was so very expensive. There were no discounts and the price was
still $10,000.

The gentleman did not blink an eye. Again, he pulled out a wad of cash,
gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for a third consecutive night, maybe a record in the history
of brothels in Nevada, which date back into the early 1800's. But without
hesitation he paid Valerie the ten grand and off they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'

The man replied, 'Billings, Montana.'

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Billings.'

'I know.' the man said. 'I regret to tell you, but your sister died, and I am her
attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.'
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby iMikeG » Fri Apr 02, 2010 11:03 pm

so my buddy just told me this kinda thought it was funny...
if you rape a hooker is it considered rape or shoplifting? shoplifting.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Mon Apr 12, 2010 11:05 am

Well, now that Tiger Woods is back to playing golf, after a short "indefinite" hiatus I am sure he is a bit rusty.
How does he keep track of which hole he is playing?
















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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby clshrckr » Sun Apr 18, 2010 11:49 pm

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"Lennox Lewis, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!" - Mike Tyson
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:05 am

What the Haynes Manual really means:

Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy the giant economy size of WD40

Haynes: Retain small spring...
Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Check Weekly...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned.

Haynes: One Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).
Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to fuck it up?

Haynes: Two Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five Wrench Rating (difficulty guide).
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha....

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vise grips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, except for what you need to do.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Eunos R » Wed Dec 08, 2010 10:14 am

^^^ hahaha.... that just confirmed that a BFH (Big F**king Hammer) is a universal tool that can fix everything along with duct tape. :)

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Spettro » Sat Jul 30, 2011 8:31 pm

Three engineers were sitting around a table at the bar discussing what kind of engineer invented the human body. The first engineer says "Obviously it was a mechanical engineer, I mean, look at all the joints that allow for movement". The second engineer says "I don't think so, I'd say it was an electrical engineer due to the human nervous system moving billions of electrons constantly". The third engineer slowly puts down his pint and says "You're both wrong, it was designed by a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipe through a recreational area?"
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby MonkeeV4 » Sun Feb 19, 2012 9:06 pm

I used to remove tires, then I took a tire iron to the nose.
2004 MSM
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Mon Apr 09, 2012 2:45 pm

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby 93_Eunos » Thu Jul 26, 2012 9:10 pm

MonkeeV4 wrote:I used to remove tires, then I took a tire iron to the nose.

I see what you did there :mrgreen:
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Scandinavian Flick » Thu Aug 09, 2012 2:09 pm

Two nuns are riding their bikes back from the library to their convent. On the way, one nun suggests they take a short cut down a cobble stone alley way.
About half way down the alley way, one nun says to the other nun, "Wow, I've never come this way before"
The other nun replies, "Neither have I. It must be the cobble stones"
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby TheOtherRedMiata » Thu Aug 09, 2012 4:35 pm

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brkinshiz wrote:Great. Now there's Pick-N-Pull on my cheese.

Douche Bag Boy wrote:
brkinshiz wrote:No one wants you to flip and die [. . .]

Speak for yourself.

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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby addkash » Sat Oct 04, 2014 11:09 pm

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby Big Lan » Tue Dec 19, 2017 9:15 am

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery driver have in common?










.









.






They can both smell what's inside the box but can't eat it.
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Re: Joke/s Of The Day...

Postby maxh2o » Wed Dec 20, 2017 3:08 pm

OBGYN: this procedure my be uncomfortable, would you like me to numb you down there?

Woman: Yes please.

OBGYN: numbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumbnumb!

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